Should I open my relationship?

How to tell if nonmonogamy is right for you 

Lately, it may feel like there’s someone in an open relationship everywhere you turn. And you may be wondering: Could I do that? Should I?

Sometimes open relationships may be portrayed as a sign of emotional maturity or liberation. They may seem like the answer to so many challenges of long-term bonds: our sex life isn’t what it used to be, I miss some things about single life, sometimes I feel a spark with someone else, will I really never kiss anyone else ever again?

Of course the truth is more complicated. Somewhat frustratingly, there is no quiz you can take to determine what relationship structure is right for you.  You have to look at yourself, your partner, and have some conversations that might be tough. 

What’s Really Behind the Question?

When people say, “I’m not sure if I should open my relationship,” they’re rarely just talking about logistics. They’re asking something deeper: Do I feel safe doing this? Can my relationship survive it? Will it bring me what I’m looking for?

It is crucial that you be honest about why you are considering opening your relationship.

• What are you hoping to gain from an open relationship? Make a list.
• What scares you about it?
• Whose idea was this? How do you feel about it if you remove how your partner feels?
• Do you feel pressured? If so, why? And is it so much pressure that you actually aren’t sure how you really feel about it?
• Are you interested in opening your relationship from a place of growth as a couple, or primarily for yourself?

Unfortunately, there is no objective way to evaluate your responses and know definitively whether an open relationship is right for you.  Instead, this is a process of evaluating the information so you can make an informed decision.

Be intentional

An intentional relationship is one where both people understand why they’ve chosen it and what it demands of them.

Whatever you choose, do it on purpose. Growing up, we were all taught that monogamy was the only option.  Do you still agree with that?  If so, what assumptions have you internalized about monogamy that you might no longer believe?  Is flirting ok? Is fantasizing ok?  Would you forgive your partner if they betrayed your trust but were committed to rebuilding it? 

What does it look like to have these conversations with your partner?

And if you are interested in an open relationship, what are you imagining it would look like?  What makes you uncomfortable about it, and what are some boundaries that you can set to maintain your comfort? How much overlap is there between your vision and your partner’s? What kind of communication do you think you need to support it?

The Myth of “More Evolved” Love

Some people romanticize openness as a marker of progress, as if the ability to handle multiple relationships gracefully proves that we’ve transcended jealousy, attachment, or insecurity. But being nonmonogamous doesn’t automatically make you enlightened. It simply means you’ve chosen a different structure, with its own set of challenges and rewards.

Likewise, choosing monogamy doesn’t mean you’re closed-minded or fearful. For many people, it’s the relationship style that allows the deepest sense of security, which allows for more passion and growth. 

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If you’re exploring these questions, I am here to help you find clarity, confidence, and connection — whether you’re navigating monogamy, nonmonogamy, or simply trying to understand what kind of love feels right for you.